im looking down into the water and i see wiggly myself

whew. wheeeeeew. where has the last year gone? how much has changed in the last year. looking back I see myself as a quivering little undergrad when I embarked upon this whole thing. My main concern was whether I would enjoy the substance of the classes - an even greater preoccupation than the cold-calling, the job market, the reading, and all of the typical law concerns. Throughout the year I was so involved in studying and socializing when possible (drinking wine and hosting supper parties and the occasional booze-fueled college-esque long nights out) and planning out my summer that I did not have time to reflect on whether I was selling my soul for a comfortable apartment and truly delicious meals with bottles and bottles of wine and trips to Europe a couple times each year. Is that what I'm living for - to enjoy the bourgeois comforts and splurges that seem to adorn my facebook page? Do I work and dedicate myself to study just in order to have wonderful stories to tell and make others envious and satisfy my lust for travel and exotic experiences at a young age - an age when my parents were working nights to get by and raise their children? Well no. My studies are not fueled solely by material desires and adventurous yearnings. Note: I have roughed it during my travels as well - and come home black soled (my feets) and 10 pounds thinner from food poisoning from third-world countries ("you look great!" says my mom upon my return). I am intellectually captured my my field of study in many ways - I worry that these interests are fleeting and still nothing in particular is really screaming my name, in part because I am pulled in several different directions. Global business and human rights and free speech and the U.S. CONSTITUTION and clean technology and trial advocacy. All and none are completely enthralling. Here is the time to decide and here I am wavering and succeeding and looking inward and outward to figure out what interests me. That shouldn't be hard. What type of person is characterized by absolutely nothing? I loathe the idea of being a person that is unopinionated and complacent about her life and the way she spends her time. Certainly not about the company she keeps. Love people more and work fully and throw yourself into the world and don't think so much when you're walking around - don't walk around pensive and looking at the ground and thinking about how your father's alcoholism has led to your need for attention which led you to act the way you did last night at that party which was really not even a party and maybe you should have just stayed home and tried to finish that Russian novel you've been reading the past three weeks because really it's pathetic that in the course of the entire summer you've only read one full book and this was the summer you were supposed to learn to speak French and play the mandolin and seek out any possible opportunity to do some public speaking and not carelessly waste brain cells on pointless alcohol binges... look forward and observe the world around you and be involved in it at all times and ready to talk to strangers.

And here I am.