jobless. help

Still jobless, and steal healing.

I went through a kind of crisis at the beginning of the year, when I realized that the whole big law thing was neither a shoe-in, nor a feasible option for an Ivy law student with a 3.34 GPA. Well perhaps for some, but for someone who no salient, distinguishing feature, not so much. But unlike I slipped into believing -albeit temporarily- that does not reflect my ability to be a great lawyer, to succeed in my career, to have a great second-year of law school.

Second-year is so much better than the first year. I'm really busy, maybe even more so than last year, but I get to do more things that I like doing - moot court, and writing, and journal editing work, and TA'ing. I also am thinking more about which classes I actually like, and what I want to do next summer. I really like appellate advocacy. I enjoy the pressure of being the target of a barrage of intense questioning, and forcing myself to think quickly and respond articulately, forcefully, intelligently. To some it comes natural, and to me it takes work, but I've gotten considerably better, and only become more inspired to keep improving.

The life of public service which I shunned for so many years, and decided so resolutely that I did not want, has started to seem like something of a calling for me. I can relate to anyone that I come across in life, and feel most satisfied when I improve someone else's situation - even if for just one day. So many sad and frustrating things happen to everyone, each day, and sometimes the only proper thing to do seems to be to try to ease the burden. Cancer surrounds my life. Took my father, struck my grandfather years ago, recently has befallen my youngish cousin, my good friend from high school, and now my other grandfather has throat cancer- the petty things, the concern with which firm, with how much, with all of it .... seems so trivial.

I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint, I don't do things from a completely selfless place, even when I help others. I do it because it makes me feel good too. But I do like listening to people. I do like living in a country where it's possible to make things better - more liveable, more hopeful- for others. I am not free of material desires, and I'm not a god-seeking person. I recognize that my generation is the "me" generation, consumed with themselves, and their photos, and their posts, and I'm a part of that generation. But the choice to rise above, and disconnect, seems almost more elitist than joining the masses, and sharing your pictures and yourself.

Anyway, these postings have barely any substance, mostly aimless blathering. I would write about more juicy things if I was remotely interested in any male counterparts at my law school, but I am not. Sucks. need to branch out to other schools... business guys?

mehhh..